The Start of a New Year.

Fitting I should be writing this today. Our very first day of 2019. As I sit, with FoH II pressed up against my chest.

I wrote the below 12 days ago — on the 20th, to post on the 21st.

I never posted because that’s the day baby FoH II decided to be born. More on that later. For now, the last thing I wrote while he was of this world but not in this world.

*********

And now.

I wait.

The Waiting.

It’s a strange, in between place to be.

It’s one I’ve been through before yet I don’t believe can ever feel “normal”.

And I realize. I’m on The Edge. Both baby and I. I hold two worlds and two hearts and two magical spaces simultaneously.

I’m here and there — wherever “there” is and how you want to define that. For me “there” exists as this entire Universe. He’s between worlds.

We both are.

I want to stop the clock and speed it up. I’m ready. But am I really?

Nothing is the same . I don’t know how any of this looks. I feel like I’m starting all over as a Mother. I know what I’m doing while knowing nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

I think. Of all the things I still don’t have. That aren’t in order.

I think. HOW can I do this?

I don’t have any answers. And I know I don’t need any.

I know he’ll come — when he’s ready and life will feel complete. I wouldn’t have known he was what was missing this entire time.

There will be nothing but more love. So everything really is just perfect.