I thought about saying shit but then decided against it. Although I did just actually say it. So, there.

Life fits better. Less judgey. Judgey from others. Not that I care about that – I don’t. I do, however, care not to be bothered by others’ two cents. Or whose feelings I hurt. Or the possible offense.

I’ve avoided this space. In ten weeks I feel like I’ve completely lost who I am.

Everything about me, really. What once brought me happiness, now is in question.

My entire world, minus my kids — my kids! — is in question. It’s weird saying that. Surreal.

My KIDS.

I feel like that should give me more street cred. Surely I must know what the hell I’m doing because I have KIDS.

But I don’t. I feel lost and lonely. Isolated.

My days are all the same blurry brutal mess of wonderful.

That’s weird, too. How something can be both awful and wonderful. Both sad yet happy.

Both life giving and life taking.

This newborn stage. It ain’t for the weak of heart, that’s for sure.

I remembered it. Yet I didn’t remember it. The {current} moment is always more brutal than the memory.

I’ve stayed away from here. Afraid.

Afraid of what I might say – or more like – admit. Afraid to come back to something I enjoyed.

Weird thing number three — afraid of something one enjoys.

Look, People. It’s all just one big weird fucking mess right now. I’m trying to figure it out but maybe there’s nothing to figure out. It’s just having to be in the thick of things and live through it. Knowing I can and will make it out.

FoH is living proof of that.

I know it will get easier. I know eventually, I will not constantly have a baby attached to my boob. I know one day, I will miss that the only way he can sleep a decent stretch is on my stomach. I know one day, I’ll feel like a real person again.

In the meantime, I’m in the thick of the holiest work I’ve ever done. I can’t help but think that if all babies had this kind of time with their Mother, and if all Mothers had this much time off with their baby, that that would be the start to world peace.

All Mothers SHOULD have this kind of time off with their child. It fires me up to no end that many mothers — the majority of mothers — return to work six weeks post partum. I’m a mess right now at ten weeks. You don’t even want to know what I was like four weeks prior to that.

Yeah, not pretty.

I feel like I’m faltering here. I have two kids and I see all these Instagram moms with six plus kids who HOMESCHOOL {just the word invokes terror in me}, look amazing and completely CALM. I mean surely something is wrong with me?

I know social media doesn’t depict reality. However, there’s something to be said for any woman who can birth six or more children, and homeschool them all.

At least I know my strengths.