Ya’ll {a good ya’ll is so necessary every now and then} your girl here is all or nothing.

I’m sure some of you saw it coming — my lake hiatus. I should have known it’d have me off the radar for more than those few weeks. This is precisely why I have not missed a day of working out in probably ten years.

Okay, so I’m not counting the days of post partum horror. Or should it count, because #breastfeeding and all those calories I was still burning off?

Let’s count it. Any of you mams out there know what a grueling feat that can be so early on.

Speaking of calories and boobs … why yes, I am still feeding my sweet Baby James.

I would have thought by now, my cravings and appetite would have somewhat evened out. Afterall, the kid is not taking much milk. This is more comfort and security. Not a meal.

So I’m not producing as much. Yet my hunger somehow has not received this notification.

I was just down in the kitchen. A late night, pre bedtime snack. I’ve been trying to stop eating by 6 and give myself a good 13-14 hours before I put anything back in my system.

Yet, I also cannot ignore these hunger urges. Old me would have been obsessing over what she ate, what she should eat, what she shouldn’t eat. It would have been quick mental calculations of calories with an estimate of how much I thoguht I had burned off for that day, too.

What drag that was, emotionally.

It wasn’t worth it. Eating what I want, when I want, in moderation and enjoying food is IS worth it.

I think the most reckless act of defiance has been simply loving myself. And how freeing that is. The amount of joy that has filled my life from that.

Ignoring all expectations of those around me and the world at large who constantly tells how we should look, beginning at a young age — and starting to love how I look for me.

If that isn’t soulfull, I don’t know what is.