Today. Of all days, my baby turns TWO.

My winter babe. My solstice son.

His birth has defined him : all things in his own time on his own unique schedule.

I never did go through my birth story in full. Mainly that was because those days are a blur.

A haze of high emotion and never ending feedings and so many questions without answers; a sick newborn.

And there is nothing — nothing — worse than a freshly arrived baby that is not well.

Add on top of that recovering from birth, juggling another child and the physicality that is required of nonstop breastfeeding and hormones that are non existent … honestly, People, I rarely like to think back to the first three months of James life.

He arrived approximately two weeks early. I had called this months in advance. I had a feeling he’d arrive early. It was my first day of winter break.

My 38-week appointment. I had so much to do, and so much to get done. I had spent the night before at Target for two hours where I purchased everything last minute I thought I’d need under the sun.

I was exhausted, my mom kept telling me I could go another day, but I insisted it had to be then. I picked up swaddling blankets, a carrier, a breastpump, diapers … it seemed never ending.

Both of my parents attended my 38week appointment — I had an ultrasound and they wanted to see the baby. They were set to leave after to finish Christmas shopping but my dad insisted on staying, and wanted to know what my doctor had to say.

Color me all shades of shocked when my beloved doctor, flew through the door and announced we needed to have the baby immediately.

I was stunned, trying to wrap my mind around this change of plan that was NOT part of THE Plan.

My ultrasound showed James had stopped growing at week 34. Still, not understanding the severity of the situation, she sent me for a fetal stress test, because I insisted that I wanted to wait, not be induced and just go home.

It was during this stress test, that I started to realize what she was trying to tell me : the baby had to come out.

Now.

What really brought it home was her tear filled eyes telling me how many babies she had to deliver that had not made it at this point. That if she was me, she’d already be in the hospital.

That was it — I went home briefly, packed a bag, packed a bag for Jack – who went with my dad and brother. My mom stayed at our house to clean and organize everything.

I was induced at 7p.m. on the 21st and told I would definitely have the baby early on the 22nd — that they would reup my induction dosage at 6am if I wasn’t feeling anything at that point.

Average induction time? 10-12 hours.

Relax, they said. Get comfy, they said. You’re in it for the long haul.

I got into my zone. I had my Hypnobabies tracks on and it was go time mentally. I knew an induction would be harder to have a natural birth but was prepared to give it my best shot.

I felt nothing — and then suddenly at 10:00, a wave of what felt ice in my veins, washed over me.

I started shaking — uncontrollably. I walked to the bathroom. Not sure I was going to throw up or not. I asked The BF to find me more blankets stat.

The shakes soon became violent — I couldn’t stop them. Then as suddenly as they came on, they left and in its place : Contractions — or — pressure waves, as Hypnobabies refers to them as.

It was 10:40p.m. and these contractions from the get go where 30 seconds apart. Now for any of you who have birth a child — 30 second apart contractions are at the tail end, right when it’s time to push.

At 11 I told The BF to find me my nurse. The baby was coming right now. In walks my nurse and my doctor. I am shocked to find out I am only 3cm dilated. I cant talk — only gasp between sentences at this point — these pressure waves are no joke.

My doctor asks to break my water, insisting she thinks the baby will come faster. I ask her to hurry the F up and also grab me the laughing gas.

It was all so intense and taking every ounce of energy out of me. I knew, from having Jack, that it could be hours till a baby arrival and even that would still be considered fast. I needed something to get me through till then.

I also said I might need an epidural. I knew I couldn’t keep this rapid pace up. I will never forget my doctor looking at me and telling me she knew I could do this and she believed in me, yet would never hold any judgements for whatever I chose.

The love I still feel for this woman, you guys! Immeasurable. She is a baby delivering angel.

After she broke my water and went to leave the room, I called out for her to wait, the baby was coming.

She laughed and said, babies don’t arrive that quickly, I’ll be back soon.

My nurse was almost out the room at this point and being in the middle of pressure waving — I couldn’t talk. I did somehow manage to tell The BF to get ready to catch the baby or grab the nurse .

That was enough! He got the nurse, sure enough the baby was arriving, everyone flew in the room, and in two pushes he literally flew out and arrived at 11:36p.m.

The fastest induction birth she’d ever had and something I didn’t even know was a thing — fetal ejection.

He was tiny — weighing in at 5.12. Jack was 7.12 a whopping two pounds heavier, and the difference between birthing them was night and day.

James born that night, but so was I.

Birth does that to you — regardless of how many children you’ve birthed — you, too, are birthed anew.

Birth takes you to the darkest, deepest, brightest places. Where you’re not sure if you’ll ever make it and then have never been so sure you will make it.

When I’m feeling shaken, uncertain — I think of birthing and I remember just how strong I am. That if I can birth two children without a single drug, I surely can make it through anything.

For that, I will forever be thankful.

Happy Birthday, James.