OH, People. My People.

Where to begin on an afternoon turned evening where I’ve been nothing short of … crazed. Fixated. Borderline psychotic.

Vacuuming only to revacuum. Giving The BF the evil eye and then the silent treatment because he walked down to the basement, sans shoes. But not just any shoes, an old pair I’ve insisted be left there solely for basement use-only, until proper cleaning and disinfecting has taken place.

I’ve found myself on my hands and knees four — four!! — times to wipe up crumbs, salt, coffee, and whatever the hell else it is that naturally falls on kitchen floors from everyday use.

I have got, repeat, got to put myself in check.

I even left at 9:45, to go Krogering. Thinking it would restore some sort of sanity to me. And it did, temporarily so, till I walked back in the front door.

Truly, I had no idea that Krogering could be so enjoyable, so, dare I say — relaxing at 10p.m. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to enter during daytime hours again.

Empty. Calm. Quiet. Those squeaky clean, shiny floors. Oh, the perfection of the order.

Everything listed and where it should be on each aisle. No surprises. All clearly spelled out. Sometimes I just need that … that order.

Where I know I won’t have to think, the thinking is done for me. You can function automatically. Without the questioning.

It’s a welcome relief at times, and just the thing to temporarily bring me some semblance of clarity.

I don’t know what gets into me, People. I don’t know what crazed animal over takes me in these moments. That’s just it. I’m trying to ask myself, Self, what’s really going on here? What are you really feeling out of control about?

For some reason this afternoon, The Comparison train ran me over. I’ve never, not once, known The Comparison to be a good idea.

There is nothing that makes me feel more inadequate, more I’m doing it wrong, more I’ll never get there, than The Comparison.

I border on wanting to call it evil. Except I try not to buy into that evil b.s. — more early childhood church trauma. Right up there with going to hell.

I’m ready to give the death sentence to The Comparison. I believe the guillotine would be a proper route to go here. Quick, swift and brutal. Die, The comparison, die I say!

What got me started was something seemingly innocent. Clothes. Turned travel. Turned all hell breaking loose. Usually I can feel The Comparison coming on … like I’m strapped to the tracks and can’t move, even though I’m telling myself to get the hell out of the way before it’s too late.

This time it was like no warning, no crossroads sign, no flashing lights and loud whistle. Just straight up impact upon arrival.

Suddenly I was in a tailspin. Over money. Over not having enough, or not thinking I have enough, to wishing I had more to coming up with a list of things so far off in the future they don’t even deserve to be thought about.

Leading me to ask … when is enough, enough? Is it ever? And is it ever possible to reach that point?

I inherently feel there will always be more … more wanting, more asking, more wishing for things.

Isn’t this part of life? We reach our goal or desire, only to have that drive further desire and goals. And this is great, this keeps us moving forward, creating, becoming who we want to become.

I hope I’m always wanting more, and dreaming a little bigger. Because I do want big things. And I also want to be able to do big things for my fellow People, and those I love.

So how not to get so caught up in these things that don’t matter? And how to convince myself that I’m being utterly ridiculous.

I get into this state of feeling as though I can’t do something because I don’t have the money. But this is completely not true. It’s there. And there is enough.

But I hold on. I don’t want to part. I worry and anticipate. That’s the thing about worry — it exponentially explodes twenty fold.

There can and always will be something to worry about. But that simply feels exhausting to me.

If I truly do believe The Universe is unlimited, then any shortage I experience, means it must be coming from me and my own blocks.

At this point I’d like to say a nice F YOU to the GD meditation on abundance. Tread carefully when embarking upon mantra meditations, peeps.

It is quite possible that will kick your ass. As is in my case.

I know worry causes stalling. Yet, how not to worry? How to stay in perpetual well being? Tips? Suggestions? Please tell me what you do to stay aligned.

To throw worry out the f-ing door.

Be happy with where I am at, and excited for what it is to come. Enough as enough … for now … while holding out a vision for more.

This is what I’m going for. Oh, and less cleaning. Less compulsion over things that don’t matter.