Not like I’m trying to be all dramatic here, but, I am literally … alone.

Alone is a necessary place for me. One that allows me to retreat, rethink and recharge. I crave alone time. Every damn day.

I used to think we are all wired this way, now, I’m not so sure. Maybe I’m just the lone weirdo. Or perhaps we all do feel some sort of pull to the quiet of our own inner … to listen for the answer in the silence.

I understand that sometimes, there is no insta-answer and sometimes, the answer is just the act of stillness in and of itself.

All aloneness-blame can be pointed towards Maman, if we want to finger point. Totally want to right now. In a good way. I think this is just what happens when you’re the odd ball out growing up with two brothers close in age and when those age differences are almost four and six years, that’s a pretty damn big gap at 7, 8, 9, hell … till I was 20 I felt that gap.

There were lots of time it just wasn’t cool to let your baby sister tag along and many a summer day and evening spent learning how to entertain myself. This taught me how to rely on me. To this day, I am never bored when being alone.

I suppose it’s just this time … I’m, maybe for the first time in a long childhood time, feeling the acuteness of this alone.

That’s right, Rio, has left me for an entire week. Okay, dramatic. Translation : he’s hanging with his Papa this week. I, now that I’m solo-ing it away from Brother, find myself too alone in a quiet house.

Wondering, when have I ever been this alone, if ever? So. Have I … been this alone … ever?

People. I think the answer, surprisingly and shocking enough to me, is no. Someone has always eventually been there … even if it was Brother, coming back late at night. Surely it’s never been more than a night or two, not an entire 8 days.

For someone who claims she loves to be alone, I’ve been further surprised by how uncomfortable I’ve felt. Part of this is still finding my place within our new home … totally helps to sleep with my stun gun. Hey, we can never be too prepared, right? Fault of being a Taurus, I tell you.

I’ve also been hyper aware of The BF in a way I hadn’t been till now. Part of this is our recent move {in} together and realizing how quickly we settled in to a routine with one another, and how instantly I just loved having him around, us creating our own space, our own life.

I miss him. In a most deeply, pain in my heart, way.

This has also surprised me. For as much as I am a head in the love clouds kinda girl, I’m also a feet on the ground Taurus. This is a challenging balance I find myself in … of being swept away, and caught up too much or too little.

There is nothing like the complete absence of one’s physical presence to remind you of the role they play in your life.

I am so thankful for this reminder, no matter how brutal of a reminder it feels. It’s saying to me everyday, this is how much you love him, this is what he means to you.

I find myself flooded with emotions. Feeling so lucky and honored that this is who I get to spend and create my years with … my very own Rio come to real life.

Hot damn, People.

Does The Universe ever get it wrong, ever let us down? I don’t think it’s possible, I really don’t.

We can temporarily feel let down and that all is wrong and all hell is breaking loose, and maybe it is … but in that, we must remember that what seems like utter disaster just may be The Universe’s way of order.

And now. Yoga awaits. In the silence of this house. I’m ready for the breath and the stillness to take me over. I’ve found yoga to give one consistent, true answer, especially when answers seem hard to come by.

This answer is : breathe.

Are you way too  let down with that one? I was too, at first. Another, are you f-ing kidding me — breathe — what kind of dumbass answer is that?!

Until I started to actually breathe. Try it. Right now. Start breathing … long, deep breaths, allowing the stomach and ribs to expand, exhale all that air, pulling the navel point in.

Do five of these breaths. Tell me how you feel.

And I will tell you this : our breathe is literally our life itself. Right, Peeps, if we didn’t breathe, we wouldn’t be alive.

Therefore, it’s just that – breathe is life. It’s one of the stupidest, simplest secrets The Universe has given me, all of us, that I’m just saying maybe in a different way.

It took me forever to figure it out. That’s how it is with these simple things, isn’t it. They’re always the trickiest to crack code on.

Within my alone, I am further aware of my own breath,  my own life and love and how all these beautiful things are so perfectly connected. This thing is not random.