I’m one of those that craves gray, overcast days.

Maybe because I associate these colder mornings and afternoons with DC. Staring out at fallen leaves and Christmas decorations … but something about gray and overcast makes me think holidays and oddly does not depress me but comforts me.

I think this is also due in part to that I feel more legit in nap taking on days like today. That’s what one should be doing, right? Guiltlessly curled up in bed.

Speaking of naps. I haven’t given an update on my excessive sleeping that my doctor was so freaked out about. What, 10-12 hours every night and three hour afternoon naps is weird? I tried to explain I’m a napper but she wasn’t having any of it and ran every blood test under the sun.

I, naturally, knew these would be fine. I do yoga! I proved correct in this assumption, but it felt good to know for sure that all is well, because of little FOH. Me, now that’s one thing but the babe is a whole other.

Speaking of … I’m pretty much in a state of delusional fear-awe that I’ll never have a holiday that’s just me; us. It makes me feel ridiculously selfish and self centered, because I don’t know whether that should depress or excite or just plain scare the shit out of me. I’ll go with all of the above.

It’s not that I think being a mother will be depressing … but come on, I am in charge of raising this little precious person, that means also responsible for any annoying F ups that happen. I’m probably putting too much on myself.

I already love this baby, beyond anything I’ve ever labeled love for anyone … I’ve never had a living extension of myself actually in me. I guess I question if I’ll be good enough?

I’m not crafty. My idea of present wrapping are gift bags. I can’t stand Halloween and costumes of any sort. Just the mere glance of Santa Claus pictures at the mall fills me with unspeakable dread. And nursery rhymes and children’s songs drive me insane.

Is this normal? I want to know it is but I feel alone and the odd one out when I speak up about these things. If I think about it, it’s nothing all that new.

I never really felt like I fit in. I’m sure that statement would surprise many People. I was always liked by my classmates. I got voted all sorts of things and I went to all the “right” parties and kissed the cool boys, bought my clothes at Abercrombie, but then I remember my second year at Virginia Tech, standing in a crowded room at a Sigma Chi party, Jay-Z blaring, almost everyone drunk, dancing and singing, getting their twerk on, and I was just there.

Watching like a complete outsider, as though no one even saw me. And I thought, what in the hell is fun about THIS?

That’s kinda how I’ve always felt in a crowd of People. Rarely at ease, uncomfortable, hoping it’s all over soon enough.

Does anyone ever feel like they fit in though? I’ve always wondered that. I asked, quite a few college years ago, this question to my friends and on cue, they all looked at me like I had seven eyes. Yet … I’ve never been able to shake this little Truth that maybe … we all are Outsiders, just trying to figure it out. It’s just that no one wants to admit it.

So I suppose that me already feeling like a Mothering Outsider comes with the territory of my psychological make up. But. I’ve got Love on my side.

Love, I can do. It’s not always pretty and happy and all wrapped in bows, but I know Love. I like to think that’s the most important thing.

Lots of things aren’t enough in our estimation. Love is.