In all honesty, People, I haven’t felt all that Christmasey this season.

Part of this is just me being in preggo survival mode. And part of it is … I don’t know? Not being able to get into it. And as bad as this is going to sound, I also haven’t felt all that giving.

I’ve been comparing and taking score and not thinking about all the blessings I have. I’ve lost sight a little lately.

When I lose sight, I know it’s time to take a step back and make room for The Divine. I think there’s lots of ways to connect and have holy moments. If you think about it, anything can be holy.

My holy moments vary — sometimes it’s when I walk Murphy, or do yoga, or even washing dishes. But mainly, they come in the form of me just sitting quietly with candles lit.

I find sitting to be a very declarative act of surrendering. No music, no internet, none of the distractions. I put my phone on airplane mode and it’s just me and God; My People.

So right now, it’s just us. I’ve made an internet exception for you. When I’m done, I’ll close the laptop and listen to the silence.

I know I need more Holy. Becoming a mother has made me see that. I think it’s part of the preparations. Trying to be the best me possible for this baby. And it’s a very Holy thing to be growing a little being in me. It’s going to be the most important thing I ever do.

Really, I want to bring things back to Love tonight. Putting down the stupid score card and start making lists of all I have that I am so thankful for and all my wonderful People. And this baby.

FOH threw me for a loop. Hell, still is. But I created a person. A real human! That’s a pretty damn miraculous creation. The most miraculous. If I can create FOH, then I know I can create anything. Really, anything else should be easy in comparison.

I’m not well versed in The Bible, and I do mean not at all, but I was re-reading a Cliff’s notes version of the Christmas Story tonight with Jesus and Mary. I don’t know why I just specified that, as though I had to be clear in case you thought I meant Fred and Mary. Anyway.

I find it very interesting that the first thing the Angel says to Mary is, Don’t be afraid.

Don’t be afraid. I like to think maybe Mary was a little like me about being preg and having her baby. Or I’m a little like she was. Scared shitless. But yet, Don’t be afraid.

These are the first words also spoken to Joseph in a dream, and said aloud to the Shephards.

It was fitting that tonight, I felt drawn to re-reading this story. No need for the fear. It seems to be a normal and natural part of us, yet Don’t be afraid. I think I just need to Love more.

Merry Christmas, Eve. With much love.