In theory, it sounds great.

A shield. And it’s invisible.

Talk about a win-win. And for the record, I love win-win.

Win-win-win, being even better.

Here’s the thing, before we venture into this shield of invisibility …

Item of first importance: iphone.

Last year I had my new iphone stolen. Talk about what I felt was tragic.

Access into my entire personal life granted at free will.

NOT cool.

But I’m not one for sweating the small stuff.

After changing all necessary passwords, logins and making sure accounts had not been accessed, I was over it.

Alright, so it was more like 5 days of being highly pissed off, but I thought I was doing pretty good and keeping the heat under a week.

Golly gee, I’m even rhyming now. What’s to become of me next?

Anyway …

I got a new  iphone. Well, not really new. It was used. But fine.

That was way better than paying $400 for a new one, which my practical Taurus minded self was never going to do.

“New” iphone has held up and lasted … until it’s unfortunate fall a few weeks ago.

When people ask me, with a slightly shocked looked on their face, what happened?!

I like to respond with:

It fell.

As though it couldn’t possibly have been my fault. Who, me? Drop my phone?

Never.

It fell.

Because we all know, phones have little legs and ideas of their own and like to go exploring off … on the ground. Feeling crushed. Literally.

So I’m coming out and saying it — I was clumsy and dropped it.

And I knew. Immediately. It was that sound.

You know how you can tell just by the sound that something is very wrong?

Yeah, that’s the kind of fall it was.

Miraculously, it was still functioning. How I’m not sure, but let’s not question that function-ability. I happen to still need it.

Since said fall, I have been using the phone.

Sans case. Sans screen cover.

I know, I’m a daredevil. For sure.

Dodging shreds of screen glass – if it is glass, but it sure does feel like it – all for the love of phone and email usage.

Ever so slowly, the time was coming. Really, it was inevitable.

If there was any hope of having my iphone survive through December (I’m hoping subliminal positive messages will help the staying alive cause), it was time for a cover.

Correction: shield.

The Invisible Shield is no shield joke. They’re not f-ing around.

It comes with an actual spray cleaner and cleaning wipe. And not a crappy one, either. One of those nice ones, looks really high end. As though it should have come with my Marc Jacobs shades.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What the _______  was it doing with a cell phone cover? Shield. I mean shield.

Because this thing is a freaking shield.

There could be an attack on the Fort Knox of cell phone screens and not a damn thing would happen.

Crazy.

I knew after checking out the spray, and reading the directions that it all meant one thing: Trouble. Yeah, that is with a capital “T”.

I gave myself a good hour before starting this venture.

Why, you ask?

To clear the vibes.

That’s right, I needed to cleanse the nervous, impatient energy. I was going into this determined to be of sound, clear mind.

I probably should have stopped my third time into reading the instructions, and staring oddly at the squeegee.

And yes. For real. It is actually called a squeegee.

Squeegee!

Squeeeeeeeegeeeeeeeeeeeee.

See. I just want to keep saying it.

Like I’m saying a bad word. But I’m not, so I can go ahead and say it all the time. Even out in public and not have people look at me like I shouldn’t be out and about, amongst children and seniors. That’s citizens, not high schoolers.

Finally, after a good 15 minutes of just staring, and rather aimlessly, I decided it was time for action.

I re-read the directions yet again, took a deep breath and sprayed my fingers.

Let me say that again.

I sprayed my fingers. Is this beginning to sound a bit kinky?

Yeah, I thought so, too. All this for a shield?

Supposedly the spraying of fingers is to help in eliminating fingerprints on the shield itself.

Whatever!

I should write to the Invisible Shield people about this … because I don’t know how it’s not possible to get fingerprints all over the damn thing.

If anyone out there has used one of these, then you’ll know what I mean when I say this is one piece of extremely sticky plastic.

I could barely peel the thing off my fingers, let alone get it on the screen. And when I did accomplish this, it instantly stuck to the first part of the screen it came in contact with.

Which had me lifting it off, trying to replace it correctly and evenly, spread it across, only to have to go through the whole thing all over again.

Seriously? All this just for a screen cover? Shield. Damn it, shield.

I was about to say, f it. But I decided, should I have hope of any continued phone usage, I simply had to go for it.

That’s right. Throw cover caution to the wind! I can do this! Maybe?

The more that damn thing stuck to my fingers, the quicker my confidence dropped. Was there any hope?

I looked deep within myself. It was such a yogic moment. But instead of me and my mat, it was me and Invisible Shield. I called upon all the powers that be, took my 17th deep breath, and just slammed that thing down on there.

So it was more like stuck. It’s kind of impossible to slam when you’re faced with such screen clingy-ness, but you follow me right? You feeling me?

I think you’re feeling me. For sure. I’m all about using for sure during this post.

You’re probably definitely feeling me when I say it looks like one royal screen cluster fuck now.

That’s the only way to nicely put it — scary thought, I know.

On the flip side, I realized my iphone looks so ghastly that no one in their right mind would ever even consider for .5 seconds on stealing it. They’d rather run for their lives, I’m sure of it.

For real.

And that, friends, is a sure sign of only one thing: ISS {Invisible Shield Success}.