As a former fatty, I can assure you:

I know thunder thighs.

And unless you’ve either gone under the knife or are scarily skinny like Leann Rimes, alright, any Hollywood starlet, you’re going to have some rubbage.

That would be of the thigh kind.

Sorry if I got anyone’s hopes up high for a minute.

Let me preface this for all you ladies out there who will feel my painful burden:

I have tried.

And tried.

And tried.

You name it, I’ve done it.

I’m a workout freak of nature. Give me something, anything physical to try or do, and I’m all over it.

I live for this $hit.

I was beginning to feel like I had done all of this work for nothing.

Granted, I don’t have all that much to complain about. I mean, I could actually really be fat.

Which would suck, but I’d take it in stride. But hey, there’s always room for improvement.

I see the looks people give me when they ask if I’m trying to lose weight — for the record, I don’t care about the number. At least, I try not to.

I got over that in high school, when every time I’d go to the doctor, they’d ask to weigh me twice, because “you couldn’t possibly weigh that much.”

Oh, girl, you have no idea.

Not a clue.

As I’ve mentioned before on here, I like to go off clothes and sizes and how I feel … you know how you just know how you’re supposed to look and when you’re carrying around some extra poundage?

I don’t like it either and before I’m 50 and wondering how the hell I packed it on, I’d rather try to be pro active.

Brother, my fitness guru, swore to me that kettlebell swings would change my thighs and my life.

Wow. Two for one? I was in.

I’ve got to say — I doubted him. Big time.

Throw this heavy ass thing only 10 times? That’s it?

I probably asked on 33908908.975 occasions if he was sure I wasn’t going to get bigger.

He swore on my previous childhood thunder thighs that I wouldn’t. Enough said, with a serious statement like that.

I’ve been working with Brother’s 32 pound kettlebell, in addition to my 19 pound one. Mainly, focusing on fewer swings with the heavier weight.

And I’ve got the results to prove it. Results like I’ve never seen in my life.

I’m stronger. Longer. Leaner.

I can’t believe I didn’t get on this sooner … 10 minutes to smaller thighs girls, yes, it is possible!

As a true testament to this metamorphosis, the other day, I was wearing one of my favorite Calvin Klein dresses.

Without my thigh cream.

Did I just actually admit this? I did.

And guess what: no thigh rubbage!

I am savoring the sweet success of this true fait accompli.

All I need now is my up close late night made for TV infomercial.