I have this track record of dread when it comes to being in a good place.

A, it’s so good it’ll end and then shit, where will I be? Or, how long will this last? Can it stay like this forever? What if it doesn’t? Oh no. Double shit.

It’s a pretty well established pattern when it comes to Maman and her visits. I love and treasure them so, yet I find that I spend the majority of my time with a racing mind that skips to the end of her visits, therefore, is a constant future voice of commentary throughout.

Future Voice goes something like this as we’re enjoying our time together: you know you only have six more days of this, then what are you going to do? She’ll be long gone on her way back to home and you’ll be left in the dust, feeling sad and broken. Then insert tears and feelings of desperation.

I allow Future {asshole} Voice to get the best of me. At least I have been with her previous visits. This visit I decided I was going to be much more aware and in charge of my thoughts. Future Voice could kiss my present ass.

It’s been challenging, no doubt. Like last night when I burst into tears and said how we only had five more nights together and what after that? When would we see each other next? Could I really be a Good Mother without her here to help me?

She tried to comfort me, which only made things worse … it straight up reminded me of an inconsolable child. That’s right — me being the five year old child that I had suddenly reverted to.

I know I should pull myself together. Be better about this. Especially considering that now I am a Mother myself. But it’s my Mama, People. And I feel like I need her. I think I probably always will. When she’s with me, she brings me great peace and reassurance.

I also know that these attributes are within me and that she’s not really giving that to me, but helping me to connect with those aspects of Who I Really Am. But still. I want her here. All the time.

I haven’t accepted a reality that doesn’t include her on a more regular basis. It’s selfish of me. She deserves to life her life as she wants. She has more than earned that and we do see each other on a frequent basis.

What this is about, is me. My own issues. Me needing to make peace with me. And if at the end of the day, that includes a daily Maman, then lucky moi. If not, then lucky moi.

And for the love of God, and all things holy in this great big Universe, I’m going to stick it to Future Voice.

I want the time we have together to be full of what is now, not a clock running down our time in some doomsday way. To hell with that. She’s here. We’re together. And that is enough.

For now.