I try not to mark off the passage of time as I have previously …

By revisiting said past. Yet there are certain markers, memories and celebrations that make me acutely aware of where I’ve been and where I am.

Currently this centers around FoH’s upcoming birthday.

How can I not not think about the baby that could have been? That was then wasn’t? That a part of me still feels this deep sense of loss and longing around, which,  does not feel justified at this point. But it’s there, so it must be justified … right?

I can’t help but think …. it should be four of us gathered around a soon to be birthday cake. FoH should be a big brother of an almost six month old.

I’m not one for harboring on what isn’t. I’ve never really been, thankfully.

Yet this, People. This I cannot shake. Events pass and my mind immediately wonders to what could have and should have been.

Except it shouldn’t have been because it wasn’t and I trust that. I trust that while I do not understand it.

I trust that there is a greater plan and purpose and that the little old soul that was then wasn’t simply was not to be.

However. That doesn’t mean I’m off the hook. That it’s not hard. It is and one year later, I am surprised by this.

The more I think about it, I’m not so sure anyone ever really completely gets over loss. Isn’t it there for everyone on a consistent basis? Hovering close by. Quick to catch us off guard when we doubt ourselves, when we feel sadness and despair and when we are reminded of past failures.

Truth be told, People, I’m relieved for the moments I feel it coming on. As though it becomes this reassurance to me that I loved and that I made it through something that felt unbearable at the time and that whatever life throws at me, I’m going to be okay.