That would be #20.5 weeks.

As in: I’m 20.5 weeks pregnant.

Yes, people. Pregnant. Allow that to sink in and digest a little more. It still hasn’t for me.

Coming off that miscarriage, I was told last fall that another child was unlikely. In winter I was told it just wouldn’t happen — unless I wanted to start down the road of fertility drugs as my best bet.

I wasn’t interested. Afterall, here I am with a healthy and happy child — how many millions of people wish for what I have in FoH.

It was hard, really f-ing hard, but I spent a lot of time in prayer and meditation and just as I felt I released the idea of a baby happening {which was its own little grief period}, FoH had some interesting words for me.

At the end of March, he said, Mommy I have something very important to tell you. After my birthday the baby will be in your belly.

I had a positive pregnancy test two days after his birthday.

In fact, on his birthday, as I stood in TC’s kitchen, suddenly and completely grossed out by his birthday cake I told Brother, I have the strangest feeling. The sight of this cake makes me want to throw up. I’ve only felt that way two other times …

And I trailed off, looking at him, in shock.

I’ve sat down to write this post on many occasions. The last one being at 14 weeks.

A little over six weeks ago and I couldn’t do it. Truth be known, I’m still scared to write these words and have them go “public”.

Then it will be real and I, we, cannot turn back.

I’ve been cautiously optimistic this entire pregnancy. On guard. Protecting myself.

I think I will feel this till the end. And that’s okay.

Has this pregnancy been hard? Yes, physically, too. The nausea. The extreme fatigue. But I have welcome it all. I have been loving it all. Because!

I get to grow a human! I will never know any greater honor and privilege than that. We are all overjoyed.

I cannot wait for this little old new soul to be placed in my arms.

Two hearts. And an entire Universe. Beating and pulsating away within me. A true miracle.