I’ll admit it, so then maybe we can all admit it : I get a little insecure from time to time.

It’s natural, right? It’s just that we’re not all going around talking about our insecurities. But maybe we should.

Because it seems like as soon as I can be honest and own up that I am feeling a little less than and a little not centered in who I am … the magical illusion cloud dissipates.

I used to think I was an extrovert. Big time. I now am pretty sure I’m a definite introvert with an extrovert exterior in social situations. Social situations, and events, that aren’t really my thing.

I’m surprised they’re not more my thing. At an early age we were all thrust into a pretty public political spotlight that revolved around State Dinners and Capitol Hill power soirées — I credit this with an ability to talk to anyone and an ease of being able to work a social crowd when I have to, but really, I think I got over the whole scene and then somewhere along the way, developed mild social anxiety — which probably more came from being told way too many times to be careful of what I say or don’t say.

Do you know how hard that is when you have a low filter brain like mine? And now that I think about it, both Brothers feel the way I do — the dread of social events yet an undeniable ability to speak well when prompted. I mean, they at least speak well … me … I tend to be a loose cannon. Not on purpose, just on matter of me being me.

If only you could have seen the look on a man’s face I met the other week when he asked me why I had such a firm handshake and I replied, because my father told me – you better have a GOD DAMN GOOD firm handshake.

You would have thought I had told him to go to hell. Or maybe GOD DAMN GOOD‘s serve as the same thing? I don’t know. I thought it was funny.

This whole going to events now tends to challenge me. Part of this is probably because I can’t stand small talk. F the bullshit convos. They are not for me. I don’t give a shit to hear about how you are on some surface face level — I’m the person who truly cares to hear something real about you. It all goes back to my inherent craving of connection with People. While simultaneously wanting to hide under a table and never come out.

So maybe that’s it? An aspect of Self here is seeing these social events as too “constructed” and I want to rebel.  Meanwhile other half of Self is enjoying, on some level … of meeting new People. New connections. And anything that involves a good cause — holy hell, I am all in.

Tonight’s event though. Took a lot out of me. It didn’t help matters that I still am not feeling up to par on the Poison Ivy front. It probably would have been a good idea to have showered before hand and actually put on real clothes. But I didn’t.

I was all, F IT. Let me put my Light Blue to good use and throw on my clean yoga clothes that I shall disguise as real clothes by wearing a real coat over them and using real luxury handbag.

I think the key here is luxury handbag. They can really be a good front in times of need.

I realized I had it all wrong, terribly wrong, when we walked in and the other women were in tight black dresses with glowing skin. My skin was neither glowing — in fact, I just wanted to itch the shit out of it {thank you, Poison Ivy} — and I was praying to the Benefit Gods that if I put my sunglasses in my hair and left them there, that no one would notice how greasy and nasy it really was.

WHY did I think it was acceptable to not shower before this event? Oh, right — because I didn’t give a shit at the time. Then time comes and here I am: feeling utterly exposed and insecure.

Granted, I bounced back quick. I got it together. And I enjoyed myself … back to that connecting of new People — and I am thankful that my path crossed with new cool People. Because, sometimes, you cool People out there, get hard for me to find.

Yes, there were times of challenge — way beyond my hopelessness of nonpresentability {oh how Maman would have died} … there were conversations I was a part of that were uncomfortable, but that is only because of further insecurity.

That’s what I realized tonight! We ARE all insecure and it’s okay! If only we could all admit it and laugh about it for a minute, get over it and get on with the realness.

The name dropping and third home dropping and telling me favorite shopping destinations do not move me. But I will absolutely find it fun, because buying fun shit … is fun. At the end of the day, we put all these things aside and see them for what they are : things.

Where is the love? Where is the putting of ourselves out on the line so then we realize we don’t have to be afraid of who we are, even when you don’t shower and try to pass off yoga clothes for legit attire. This is me being me. I might as well own it.

We are all in this together. Neither one of us further ahead or behind.

As I was going through my phone just now, I came across the picture I took from this morning. More love showing up from The People. The Universe speaking.

We might all walk around with our insecurities and doubts, but this love — this is at the heart of who we are, on every level.