I’m not all that proud to admit this but I’m going to anyway.

I’ve been all over The BF’s ass today. Okay, probably the whole week. He was just kind and patient enough not to say anything till today.

I don’t know what the f it is that overcomes and overtakes me when I get in these moods. I do think part of it might be pregnancy — a mix of hormones and fear that propels me into a negative state.

All sorts of weird shit has been activated in me since the moment I realized there was a baby inside of me. Most of this, I believe, is fear. Mainly I’d say fear of The Unknown, which is all completely irrelevant if I’m staying in the moment à la Tolle. But that’s just it — obviously I’m not in the moment when I get in this space.

I turn into the bad nagger. No one likes a nagger, do they? I’ve never enjoyed my parents, friends, anyone for that matter, who had something to pick apart about me. It’s just not fun. Nor kind.

And to know I’ve been doing this to The BF, whom I have so much love and admiration for … well, I’m embarrassed for myself. I don’t want to be that partner whose bitching about socks being left out and clothes that somehow get hung more often over dining room chairs than in a closet.

TC gifted us with his ballet tickets as a Valentine’s present and the first 10 minutes of our drive there today, I was commenting on his driving. Really?!

It’s hard to reel me in when I get going, because then I start seeing things everywhere I don’t like or think is shitty. The Downward Spiral. It’s not pleasant — for those around me and me. I don’t think any of us enjoy being a drag.

Thankfully I have The BF to put me in check and call me out on unfavorable behaviors. And to boot, he’s really nice about it. Whereas I might say something along the lines of, why the F are you being such an a-hole? F off, thank you.

Instead he asked if I could please, focus on things that you like about me, that I do do, the positive. It’s really quite fascinating to watch how when you change your perspective to what isn’t right/good/whatever to what is right/good/whatever, there’s suddenly so much more going well than not. It truly is what we’re giving our attention to.

I shifted my thoughts to The BF starting his day cleaning my car off and making sure to defrost my windshield so it was all ready for me. The extra crème brulée he bought yesterday because he knew I’d wake up craving one today. Making the bed. Going Krogering. Telling me how much he appreciates all I do.

As I continued to rattle off all the positives, I felt overwhelmed with more love and a silent vow to do a better job of supporting him and our relationship by making sure I am acknowledging all he does and all the wonderful aspects of who he is.

It’s easy to think of what we don’t like, but that doesn’t really get us anywhere. It might feel safe — as we are able to stand justified in our beliefs or hurts — but it is not serving us.

Voicing what we do like will always lift us and one another up. It just feels better. When in doubt, do the thing that feels good. That’s the next right thing.