One of the best, most effective and useful books out there, in my humble, Taurean opinion.
It’s quick. There’s no thumbing through or around 200+ pages that talk in circles, as many self proclaimed “self help” books do.
It’s also an easily comprehensible concept … four, if we’re counting.
But, whose counting?
In order as they appear, here are the four agreements:
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don’t take anything personally.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.
Predominately, evident points, I know.
That’s what makes this book so great. It’s the reminder of these simple things that we already know within ourselves.
We just happen to go in and out of forgetting to remembering.
Out of these four agreements, the one that speaks the most strongly to me, should be obvious.
That’s right, surprise, surprise.
Don’t take things personally!
This elementary statement has changed my life. In so many significant ways.
I remember the first time I read this book. My junior year in high school.
I was in one of those unspoken arguments with a friend that I had no idea was or even should be an argument.
I just knew because she wouldn’t talk to me. And my feelings were hurt. I was so confused.
How could I go from feeling so close, spending so much time together to the cold shoulder?
I racked my brain. Trying to think of what I had possibly done or said.
When I talked to Maman about it, her answer was this book.
I devoured Ruiz’s words. Couldn’t put it down as I read over and over how, “nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”
I remember the relief I felt. Not just with my friendship, but with all my interactions.
I suddenly felt off the hook.
As one who is naturally inclined to keep the peace, I couldn’t have asked for more.
It was like my get out jail free card. But in this sense the getting off free was me no loner feeling besieged with senseless guilt.
Here’s one of my favorite “Don’t take things personally” segments …
“All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in.
When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.
Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds.
Their point of view comes from all the programming they received during domestication.
Whatever you think, whatever you feel, I know is your problem and not my problem.
It is the way you see the world.
It is nothing personal, because you are dealing with yourself, not me.
Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think about me is really about me, but it is about them.
You may even tell me, ‘Miguel, what you are saying is hurting me.’
But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said.
You are hurting yourself.
There is no way that I can take this personally.”
Even re-reading and hearing this again feels liberating and empowering.
Even I forget. Rather frequently, actually.
And it feels good. Just like it did when my junior self realized that it wasn’t me my friend was mad at.
Sure enough, a couple weeks later she apologized and explained why there had been the sudden distance and silent treatment.
All the stories and assumptions I had spun for no reason.
Had nothing to do with me. Not a single thing.
This has proved to be the case time and time again. As Ruiz says, it is not about me, it is about you and your story.
My words might merely reflect or strike your inner hurts and problems.
And if they do, I hope that you are able to realize that. But if not, it’s okay.
I won’t take it personally.