One of my things for this New Year centers around realness.

It all goes hand in hand with my whole “love is the way” mantra, but for now, I’m taking it as its own.

What I mean by this “realness” is not being afraid … to be me, to be my authentic self. Being straight up. I notice I shy away from this. I think maybe I won’t be liked or it won’t be accepted. Will I hurt someone’s feelings {without meaning to!}?

All these questions flood my mind and then I don’t own up. F it. Part of the benefit of a strong Kundalini Yoga practice is a stronger sense of self and intuitiveness. In my case that means I can’t hide from myself, because when I try, there is Higher Self whispering to me.

So that’s it. Getting real. Just being me, whoever that is, because it varies from day to day … like today.

Today I drove over to Gpa’s. I put the car in park and just started crying. I can’t even tell you why. Sometimes I don’t have a reason and feel like I need to but really, why do we need a reason to cry?

Sometimes can’t we just be sad because we’re sad or frustrated or just blah? That happens too.

I seem to gravitate to Gpa’s when I’m feeling down. I don’t know what I’m going to do when the house is sold and there’s actually people living in it. No doubt they’d be freaked out by my car in their driveway. As I talk to myself.

But I wouldn’t be talking to myself, it would be having a conversation with Gpa. Okay, so I talk. He listens. I count this as a conversation.

At least I hope he listens. I imagine him sitting next to me in the car. Which totally makes me cry more. And I realize just how f-ing much I miss him, which gets me started on Guru, whose been really sick the past couple weeks.

More tears because as has been previously stated, imagining life without Guru is just plain unbearable. I want to hold all the people I love so close to me. Protect them. Have nothing ever happen to them.

When I know none of this is possible — we are all living our lives, doing our thing. I understand the cycle that is life, but it doesn’t mean I have to always like it.

And I cry more, because I realize, all I really want to do is just come here and write. More fear. More wonder. More doubt. More tears because now I’m pissed at myself for doubting myself.

I think, maybe … maybe I just need a break. It’s been a while since tending to just me … shutting out the world. I feel there’s too much going on.

Tomorrow Brother and I are road tripping to South Carolina to visit Brother2, the SIL and our M&M’s. Maman will be there too so it’s more like a mini reunion. But then I come back. Must pack. Must move.

Want everything two weeks ago and perfect.

I stop crying because I start breathing. Long deep breaths in. Immediate calming effect. And I think I just want to be happy, to help others experience their joy … be the bringer of light that I am, and all of us are.

And in doing that, we can help each other remember.