Today marks the official end to my eight month Zen haitus.

Eight months! I could have almost grown a living being and birthed the thing in the amount of time I’ve been away. How the hell has it been that long?!

All credit goes to, M, my awesome sister in law, who mentioned joining Brother, The BF and I for meditation. I sheepishly had to admit that the last time I was there was June and agreed that if she would go, I’d go.

And don’t think I wasn’t cursing and damning my phone when it rang at 8:30. Brother. Checking up and making sure my ass would actually be there. Since he knows I had full intentions of sleeping through the whole thing.

I got up, f-ing everything and everyone, got in the car, and was still f-ing everything and everyone when I walked in. How Zen-like of me.

Resistance is like that. It somehow convinces you that things you truly do enjoy and are good for you aren’t really all that enjoyable or good for you. You just thought they were at some point and they must really suck. When the only thing in actuality that’s doing any sucking, is Resistance.

I think now is my time to say a nice f you to Resistance.

F you, Resistance. And your mom.

Not like Resistance has a mom, but if it did! And because I’m just that mature.

So Zen. Yeah. Completely forgot just how challenging it is to sit in silence. To just … be. With yourself.

It could be one of the most under-utilized forms of self torture I know. On the other hand, it’s also one of the single most under-utilized forms of self discovery.

The first half of my sit was spent feeling as though I wanted to crawl out of my skin and start screaming. More f-ing of everything and everyone.

Once I became an observer rather a judger of my f-ing thoughts, and started long deep breathing, the calm happened. The clarity came.

How had I forgtten this beautiful feeling of acceptance and acknowledgement. How had I let myself be away so long?

The more I sat, the better I started to feel. Less of the f-ing. More and more calm. A wave of well being washed over me. And then a voice.

At first it was very quiet, leaving me to think that I never heard it to begin with. But it was persistent.

Be Still and know that I am God.

Look I know it’s Zen Meditation and I’m supposed to be all void of thought, but whatever, I don’t really take that approach. If thought can become no thought, then what’s the difference — this is how I look at it.

I wanted to ignore this voice. But I couldn’t. The People are just so insistent when they want to be. Ah, the annoyance of higher spiritual powers at play.

But this message … be still … be still … be still. I got it, Peeps.

More time for this stillness. This is what I need to be doing. More trusting. The Universe has got this. God has got this. And me.

So how can I go wrong? I can’t. Though I think I can. I want this stillness. I want to hold on to this feeling from today.

Where I was so sure, so positive that well being abounds and in this stillness, and even amongst loud chaos, there is a place of calm where God and I both reside.