I forget how exhausting it is with The Littles. In the best of ways, of course.

I mean, it should be like this, shouldn’t it? Jam packed fun and constant go-go-go. That’s what we do. And I better start preparing for more of it.

People, I have spent all day in a perpetual state of disbelief that soon, this will be what my life resembles. These precious little people. I watched my niece and nephew today from such a different perspective, that of soon-to-be mama. How different it was, how different I view them.

For how much love I’ve felt today, I’ve also been at odds. I can thank SkyZone for this one.

First, brilliant. A trampoline jumping playground for kids and adults. No jumping for me. But The Littles got their fill, as did Brother. I opted for the bench seat and enjoyed a good front row spot of all the action.

And action there was. I saw everything. Fights and tears to birthdays and some of those best day ever childhood moments. As I watched all the kids running and jumping around wildly, the confliction began.

Am I really ready for this? Is this what my future looks like? Am I going to like it? Is my child going to drive me insane? Will I ever have a moment to myself again? That one really sent me down on a slippery slope.

I kept trying to pull it together, tell myself that of course I’d like it and who matters if I’m ready or not ready, because I just damn well have to be ready now.

Though none of this helped convinced me on any level or reassure me. I just felt more confused. And with that overwhelming emotion of dread that sits in your stomach. The kind you experienced when you knew you had to do something that at all costs you wish you could get out of, but knew you couldn’t. I always had that feeling with school presentations.

Not that I’m trying to compare my unborn child to giving a presentation. Think of it as a way of me trying to say just how confused I am with this Motherhood thing I’m about to embark upon, already have embarked upon.

Do you think maybe this is Motherhood? That I don’t have anything to figure out because it’s never really figured out? And the feelings of confliction, apprehension and dread, regardless of the looks I get that silently seem to say girl you be so crazy, are in actuality just normal?

I hope so, I really do.