Tonight, as The BF and I were catching up and discussing our days, he said a harmless enough comment.
That completely set my shit off. Like blasting off into outer space in point two seconds flat.
The exchange was along the lines of this:
Hey, are you still keeping up with a mantra meditation? Oh, I don’t think you are. You should definitely be doing that. It was good for you.
I DON’T F-ING HAVE TIME FOR A F-ING MANTRA MEDITATION {yes, People, yes, I am very well aware that anyone who shouts back their response while having to drop a couple f-bombs probably is in need of a mantra meditation}.
What do you mean you don’t have time for a mantra meditation? Love, how long does that take? What, isn’t it 10-15 minutes? You have time.
DO I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS F-ING TIME TO SPARE? I FEEL LIKE I DON’T EVEN HAVE AN EXTRA 15! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY THINGS I HAVE TO DO EVERY DAY. EVERY F-ING DAY. THINGS THAT I CAN’T BLOW OFF. THINGS THAT HAVE TO GET DONE. I’M AT CAPACITY. CAPACITY!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT ADD ONE MORE F-ING THING ON MY DAILY TO-DO LIST.
Yeah. I might, just might have over-reacted a bit there.
It happens. Honestly, a little too frequently for my own liking, but I am a continual work in progress. Over reactions are okay. I mean, hell, at least I’m aware I’m over reacting.
I tell you, People. This first year with FOH, while wonderful, it is stressful.
On myself and on my personal relationships. What personal relationships?
I pretty much have no friends because I’ve dropped off the face of the earth. Alright, so not completely accurate, but my friendships have taken a huge hit. Because I don’t have anything to give to anyone else and when my days free up, I typically don’t want to move my ass and have to go socialize.
I want to sit in peace and quiet and do absolutely nothing.
The BF and I, I think, have done pretty damn well in maintaining a marriage. It’s a lot of mindful, loving work to keep up with a marriage when you have a baby and your focus suddenly shifts to the world revolving around a baby.
FOH comes first. He has to. His survival depends on it.
I’m just thankful that when The BF and I have these sorts of explosive exchanges, it quickly blows over. We both laugh … eventually.
Making time for us — just us — is something I am still working on. And I will continue to do so all the time. Because it is way too easy to become divided, to grow apart.
The best thing we can give to FOH is not only each other but each other together — as a representation of what a loving relationship is.
Constant work in progress, People.