Confession: I play Pandora when I shower. What, are you going to try to tell me you don’t play music while getting so fresh and so clean?

Don’t believe you.

Of course, I was blasting my best ever John Denver station. That gives The BF a good laugh and confuses TC. He’s not sure what, John Denver and that Bezoné have in common. Beyoncé, Dad. BEYONCE. Who doesn’t know how to say that?

Anyway, in shower with JD and I’d Rather Be A Cowboy starts playing. Not my fave JD song, but beggars can’t be choosers in the shower. And I still sing along anyway, so nothing lost.

When I got to the line of, I think I’d rather ride the range, I felt my heart simultaneously drop and lurch forward.

Gpa. I never realize how long it’s been that I have or haven’t thought of someone till there’s that something that reminds you of them. This was my something.

This might sound strange to some of you, but I find the death process fascinating, peaceful and extremely cathartic. I feel honored that I was able to be a part of Gpa’s transition to non physical and watch the healing and love that unfolded in his final weeks of being here.

A big fan of Turner Classic’s Westerns, Brother and I spent countless days, riding the range, with him. We’d sit and laugh, with a big roaring fire by us. And snack. Lots of snacks.

We knew Gpa was getting ready to check out when he’d gather up his energy and whisper for us to, come closer. He said a lot of things. Things I tried so damn hard to burn into my memory, but the main underlying theme was that he needed to know we would know he was still going to be here with us.

We knew. One of the last things he said was, I’m just going to be over there, where you can’t see me but you feel me, riding the range. Whatever you do, you two stick together.

I think it’s pretty safe to say Brother and I will always stick together. Although, I’m not sure if that was a warning or a loving suggestion not to let any bullshit divide us. Not sure why there can be a lot of bullshit in families? I suppose it’s just par for the course.

I was surprised, given my hormonal preggo state, that JD didn’t push me over the edge. Instead, I felt great comfort … picturing Gpa riding the range. Having a damn good time doing whatever he’s doing when he’s not busy trying to run interference here.

Life feels so long at times. Unbearably long, yet, in the end it all passes in a blink. And what we remember isn’t the bad. It’s all the good, all that love.