Last night, The BF and I hit up Babies “R” Us. How’s that for a wild and crazy Saturday night?

With 12 to go till this Babe decides to make an Earthly return, I figured maybe — just maybe, we should start buying shit.

When inspirations hit like Babies “R” Us, I waste no time. Because I know myself well enough to know that the inspiration might not last that long and I better carpe diem while I can.

So I put on my Dior lipstick and Chanel perfume and we were off. The BF totally did not get this. I tried to explain, that for me, it’s like going to war. I need my armor and protection. My Battlecry, so to speak.

In this case that happens to be Dior and Chanel … because … well, they make me feel like I can do it. That I can handle an entire store dedicated to row after row of baby shit, from top to bottom. They give me the necessary confidence.

Well holy hell of the Baby Gods. Babies “R” Us. People, that place … is just no joke. I did make the mistake of not bringing a snack with me so I promptly went and purchased a bag of overpriced trail mix to get me through — more armor.

Pat, a rather elderly straight shooter, helped us get registered. I should probably leave out the “elderly” part, because nothing about her screamed elderly, except her body. Damn if she wasn’t quick witted with one sharp tongue.

At one point I had to tell her she was threatening my Bubble Of Peace and she just looked at me and said, honey, prepare for that damn Bubble to be permanently busted. I liked her because she kept saying, damn, and she called me honey, so I was able to overlook any threats to The Bubble.

I can’t say the trip was a massive success, but it wasn’t a total bust either. I knew this was just Round 1, anyway. The Research round, if you will.

After already spending hours looking up strollers online, I needed to check them out in person, get the visual. See how heavy and easily they really did fold up and all that crap you need to test out. What I wasn’t prepared for was all the other stuff. I’m well aware there’s baby stuff coming out the wazoo on every single thing, but seeing it in person … that’s a whole other reality.

I stood, mouth gaping open, at the entire WALL {a very long wall at that} of just bottles and nipples and bottle cleaners and all the other bottle shit there is. I was frozen and paralyzed.

What the hell?

The BF came to my rescue and once I saw that they didn’t carry any glass bottles, I decided to table any bottle registry items till after I do my homework.

Glass bottles wtf, is that what you’re thinking? It’s The Hippies. God love ’em. God love ’em that they’re in my life. Basically, it might be the only way to know that Baby FOH isn’t sucking down chemicals, because most of those bottles leach, regardless of claiming they don’t.

I can’t promise I’m only going to exclusively use glass bottles but I will be at first and it will give me a good idea of just how durable some of them really are … if it’s one thing sister here ain’t gonna deal with, it’s broken class with a baby. I might be an informed consumer but I sure as hell am not insane.

I thought things were going pretty well until we hit up the car seat and stroller aisle and I could feel my armor chipping. It felt like each of those damn seats was shooting arrows at me and I was trying to duck but then decided, to hell with it, shoot my ass down!.

As perfect timing would have it, the store manager approached right at this time, a bubble of baby joy excitement in her own right, which made me eye her suspiciously and oddly the entire time she talked to us. WHO is that excited about baby gear? WHO in their right mind? I thought I might scream if I heard her say one more time, how fun baby shopping is!!!!!!!

Is it? Or is this just me being a crap mother again? Already.

When you feel your armor giving way, that’s when you know it’s time to wrap shit up and end Round 1. Don’t hesitate, just do it. Even if your husband has wandered off without you and you can’t see him anywhere to save your life but you keep hearing that gun making registry item sounds.

I’d say all in all, it was a huge success. I didn’t have a breakdown. My armor didn’t remain completely in tact, but I’m thinking next time I just need to add more. That means real clothes and maybe a luxury handbag.

That will be sure to make me bulletproof.