Okay, I’m not totally blaming this on pregnancy, only 70% blame.

The negativity.

Because, look, pregnancy can be hard at times and us gals just aren’t the same. We’re not. That’s plain science at work.

Lately, I’ve reallllllyyyyy not been myself. “Lately” roughly translates to the last two months. I’ve mentioned it a few times here and there but I’m not sure if you have fully comprehended my level of freak out.

On a scale of 1-10, I’m passed 10.

This isn’t me, People. Sure, I flip out from time to time. Who doesn’t? And I’m not buying it for one second that Buddha and Jesus and Krishna and all our other smarty mastery People out there didn’t lose their shit. They did. And I wish we heard more of those stories to remind us that just because we lose it, doesn’t mean we, too, aren’t masters in progress.

Anyway. I’ve just found myself as of late in particularly negative states of mind. The kind where I frantically start opening the medicine cabinet hoping I might find a Valium hidden somewhere to help calm me down.

Never mind that I haven’t even been prescribed Valium in years.

Or, where I try to think if there’s any reason I could come up with to call my doctor and have her call me in something. Just one Xanax. Would that be so bad?

Double never mind that I haven’t been prescribed Xanax in years and I’m not the least bit shameful to admit it was a bullshit reason I made up when flying to France because I wanted to be able to sleep. Except I was afraid I’d get an actual sleeping pill instead so I had to fib a bit and feign serious flight anxiety.

Don’t judge me.

It’s like I said a few weeks ago, trying to deal with the onslaught of such intense emotion is just plain daunting. I get it, why some of us have to take something to help us deal and I get why some of us get addicted to these somethings.

Real life with real processing of emotion can be nothing short of brutal. I think part of what makes it so damn brutal is that it’s scary. At least for me it is.

Here’s what happens: I feel intense emotion of anger or negativity and then that translates into fear — fear that I have to face but that causes confusion because omfg, I didn’t know I was afraid of whatever this thing is that is setting me off and it all just feels too much, becomes too much.

And I want, more than anything, to check out.

But I can’t check out. Because I’m responsible. Because I’m a Mother now. Damn responsibility! Halfway responsible enough to realize that my solution is not going to be solved by a prescription. It must be met and acknowledge and then handled.

Except I don’t always know how best to handle it. That’s what’s been tripping me up. Propelling me further down this black hole of negativity.

Today I had a moment. I thought to my self, self! Maybe … just maybe … there’s no best way to handle because life is in flux and this is just a temporary thought and experience. Breathe. Take a walk. You might still feel it after the walk, but it’s okay! It’s there but it doesn’t mean it has to run your life.

It was a big turning point for me, People.

I don’t have to do any thing about the negativity. It will happen. Yes it is happening a lot more than I’d like right now, but if I can just accept that, in turn accepting me, it’s not such a big deal.

It’s just temporary. It might be now but now is not forever nor tomorrow or five months.

Instead of fighting my negative bouts, I will allow them. Knowing that the Truth of who I am isn’t a part of that, but it is a part I am experiencing.

That will come and go.

All is well.